The First Move Read online

  Ashley didn’t say a word, just looked at her with something like pity in her eyes. God, to be pitied by your daughter. Renia hurt in places she didn’t she know could feel emotions.

  “You, uh, you look like him. More like me, but you have his smile and his nose.”

  “Do you regret me?”

  “Oh, Ashley. I don’t even know how I feel, so I don’t know how I could tell you. I regret the way I got pregnant. How I was feeling, the sex, and the drugs and alcohol. I’m grateful, in a way you won’t understand until you have a child of your own, that you’re not damaged because of the things I did when I was denying my pregnancy.”

  Ashley didn’t respond. She turned her head so that Renia couldn’t see what was in her eyes. Not that it mattered. Ashley deserved honesty. Renia could give her that, even if her daughter never wanted to talk to her again. Forgiveness was not something she had a right to hope for.

  But Renia had this moment with her daughter now, and she might never have a moment like this again. She reached out and ran her fingers down Ashley’s face. Her daughter’s skin was soft under her fingers and there was a little bump on her cheek where her daughter had a small mole. When Renia’s fingernail reached the underside of Ashley’s jaw, her daughter flinched.

  Was she ticklish, or did she find the contact repulsive?

  “Whatever kind of relationship Vince and I had, however broken and young we were, we created something wonderful when we created you. I don’t regret your existence, but I also don’t regret giving you up for adoption.” She had never meant those words more strongly than she did now.

  “Thank you for being honest.” Ashley’s voice was flat and unemotional.

  “I’m not sure what else I can give you right now.”

  “Dinner?” she asked with a shy smile, and all was forgiven.

  Renia didn’t know she was tense until her muscles collapsed upon themselves. “You’re staying.”

  “You didn’t think I would leave?” Ashley’s eyes grew wide. “I don’t think your mother would ever forgive me if I left now.”

  They both smiled with a big exhalation of breath and tension.

  Renia held out her hand and Ashley put her hand in it. “I think my mother would forgive you anything.”

  With an enormous feeling of relief, Renia stood and walked into the kitchen with her daughter. Miles, Sarah and her mom were seated at the kitchen table drinking iced tea and noshing on bread, cheese and pickles. Miles was telling, a bit too loudly and with more exaggeration than normal, a story of getting in trouble in the army. Sarah was looking off into space, bored and probably having heard this same story before. Her mom was clearly trying to look like she was listening to Miles, but when Renia stepped into the kitchen, the fleeting guilt on her mom’s face was a giveaway that she’d been desperately trying to eavesdrop on the living room conversation over Miles’s story.

  Even if she tried every hour of every day, Renia would never be able to repay Miles for the support and kindness he’d shown her since he’d walked into her studio and she’d nearly turned him down for a date. Ashley’s phone call had given Renia more than just a chance to get to know her daughter. The phone call had also saved her from refusing to let Miles into her life.

  Opening herself up to him had brightened all the colors of her world and made every comfort a little softer and more welcoming. The new relationship wasn’t all flowers and wonder. The rounded edges of her life got smoother, the hard edges got sharper and the little mistakes she made as she bumped along hurt a bit more.

  Miles looked up, smiling at her so that both his ice-blue eyes and her already softened heart melted. So this was what love felt like. Not a blind acceptance of another person, nor a leap into the future with blinders, but the warm, unsettling feeling that every hardship, every struggle and every stumble would hurt more, but also return greater joys.

  She felt stronger because he was supporting her.

  Her mom stood and bustled noisily around the kitchen, handing platters and plates of food to people. “If you’re in the kitchen anyway,” she said to Sarah before thrusting a bowl of potatoes into her arms.

  Renia’s phone was ringing as she passed through the living room into the kitchen. She dug it out of her purse, intending to turn it off rather than answer it, when she saw the number on the screen. It was the Stahls. Curious, she answered it.

  “Where’s our daughter?” Kimberly Stahl accused, rather than asked.

  Renia looked up at Ashley, who stood with a platter of cabbage rolls in her hand, eyes innocent, but they were Vince’s eyes, so Renia saw right through them. “You don’t know where she is?”

  “You wrote her that letter, against our express instruction, and she left us a note that she’d gone to Chicago. I demand to speak with her.”

  “Why can’t you call her on her phone?”

  Ashley shook her head no, mouthing please. Miles took the platter out of her hands and gave it to Sarah, shooing his daughter into the dining room. He nudged her mother into the dining room, as well, leaving Renia alone with her runaway daughter.

  “She’s not answering her cell phone. We just want to know she’s okay.”

  Renia didn’t have to control the amount of anger in her voice. The tightness in her jaw did that for her. “If I talk to her, I’ll have her call you.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  “PLEASE DON’T be mad at my parents,” Ashley said while Renia shoved the phone back in her purse.

  “I’m not. I’m mad at you.”

  “But...”

  “You have two minutes to tell me why you’re in Chicago without your parents’ permission, then you are calling your mom and letting her know you’re okay.”

  “I’m eighteen. I don’t need their permission to do anything.”

  “Fine. You don’t need their permission. But you owe them the courtesy.”

  “They hid your letter from me. They didn’t tell me you’d tried to call me. They were trying to keep me from meeting you.” Ashley’s voice got progressively higher until she yelled the last statement.

  “Oh, Ashley.” Renia was indebted to Miles for suggesting a birth mothers’ support group. Without the help of those women, she didn’t think she would’ve been able to see past her own fears about her relationship with Ashley to understand what the Stahls might be feeling. “They don’t want to lose you.”

  “Where would I go? They’re my parents.”

  Conflicting feelings assaulted Renia. A not insignificant part of her was happy Ashley had wanted to meet her badly enough to disobey her parents, but more of her was frustrated with her daughter for putting them both in this position.

  “People say birth mothers have an instant attachment to their child. That they can sense their child when they meet them. I don’t know if that’s true of every birth mother, but I feel an attachment to you, beyond any explanation of the short time we’ve spent together. Maybe I’m making the feeling up. Maybe it’s really there but, real or not, it’s something your parents are afraid of. They’re afraid that attachment will have more weight than the eighteen years they cared for you. Just like...” Renia paused to gather her courage. “Just like I’m afraid that I will never be more than a stranger to you. I’ve always wanted what’s best for you, and I’m sure the Stahls do, too, but that doesn’t mean we’re not afraid what’s best for you will be painful for us.”

  “They were supportive when I first said I was going to call
you.”

  “I’m sure they’ll be supportive again. But you have to call and reassure them that whatever relationship we have doesn’t lessen their importance in your life. Go in the kitchen, so you can have a private conversation.”

  As soon as Ashley disappeared through the doorway into the kitchen, Miles turned Renia around and pulled her into his arms. “That must’ve been hard, but you said the right things.”

  “I hung up on her and now all I want to do is hold her in my arms and yell, ‘Mine.’” She’d been wrong about so many things. Her daughter. Miles. She’d tried to push both of them away, and now didn’t want to imagine life without them.

  “I know. You can cry a little bit on my shoulder, and then you will be ready to smile and pretend like nothing’s wrong while we eat dinner.”

  She pulled her head off his shoulder and looked up into his concerned face. “Why do you get to be the wise one?”

  “I’m running a lucky streak right now, but don’t worry. I’m bound to screw up soon, and then you can be the wise one.”

  When they were finally all at the table, everyone had such placid looks on their faces an outsider would think the entire group deaf, blind and numb for missing the underlying tension in the room. But Renia’s mom put on a bright smile and started passing food around the table.

  The lace runner down the center of the dining room table had disappeared under the quantity of food, all traditional Polish food and many of Renia’s favorite dishes. Instead of flowers, her mom had gathered all the photographs of the family from every room of the house and placed them around the table. If Ashley had been uncertain of her blood heritage before the dinner, she could have no doubt of her Polish ancestry when she went back home to Ohio.

  “Ashley, dear,” her mom said as she scooped a heaping serving of cabbage rolls onto her plate and passed the serving dish, “what questions do you have about your family?”

  Ashley accepted the passed dish and served herself a smaller portion. “Um, I had some questions about my father, but Rey—”

  “I’m sure she won’t mind if you call her ‘Mom,’” her mother interrupted.

  The very thought gave Renia chills and she wasn’t sure if they were good or bad. For all the ties she felt to the beautiful woman passing her cabbage rolls, Ashley was still a stranger. Nine months of sharing a body didn’t mean Renia knew anything about her daughter as an eighteen-year-old. “I don’t think either of us would be comfortable with that,” she said, to save Ashley the embarrassment of responding.

  Ashley gave a grateful smile. “Rey already answered some of my questions, but she didn’t know if my father ever asked about me. She thought you would know.”

  Renia’s mom looked at her for permission, a bowl of carrots hanging in the air. “Go ahead and tell her. Miles and Sarah know enough not to be shocked at what you say and I told Ashley I wouldn’t lie to her.”

  The spoon sticking out of the carrots clattered against the china as her mom plunked the bowl on the table. “Your father was a wastrel. His mother only ever expected charm out of him, but he only doled that out when he wanted something. Even if he had graduated from college and made something of himself, he would have remained a wastrel in his soul.” Her mom’s piece said, she picked up the carrots and handed them to Ashley. “He never asked about you, or not that I ever heard of. Maybe he would care now, if age had given him a chance to reflect on your existence.”

  Ashley’s eyes were full of questions as she passed the carrots on to Renia. “And his mother, does she ever ask about me?”

  Renia struggled with the promise she’d made to be honest with her daughter. She wanted to offer Ashley reassurance, but truthfulness and reassurance didn’t exist in the same sentence if they were talking about Vince.

  The answer would wound them both, but at least Renia had prepared Ashley.

  “That woman,” her mother answered with venom, “still denies her son had any relationship with Renuśka.” She took a deep breath and her next words were said more calmly. “If she could see you now, she might change her mind. But I don’t think she’ll ever agree to see you.”

  “Oh,” Ashley said, and then looked down at her plate.

  The food was all passed and they ate in uncomfortable silence, each person trying to digest both the heavy food and Ashley’s sordid beginnings. As happy as Renia was to meet her daughter, Ashley was a physical representation of all the mistakes she’d made as a teenager and her questions about Vince and his mother were just a reminder that not everyone forgot or forgave mistakes, even nearly twenty years later.

  Renia took a bite of her cabbage rolls, but her favorite dish tasted like paste and dirty gym socks.

  “Ashley,” Miles said into the pounding silence, “I understand you’re starting college soon.”

  “Yes. Ohio State.”

  “That’s great. Are you going to spend your entire four years watching football, or do you have another plan?”

  “I’d like to be a vet, so I’m following the vet school’s guidelines of study. I think I’ll end up a biology major, or something.”

  Renia pressed her lips together to keep the pleasure in her heart from escaping. Ashley was smart and driven. The Stahls had done a wonderful job. “Do you play a sport, or a musical instrument?”

  “I’m attending college on a rowing scholarship.” Ashley had eaten every last bit of cabbage roll off her plate and reached for the platter. This time, she took a bigger serving.

  Renia added athleticism to Ashley’s accomplishments. The Stahls had given her opportunities Renia never would’ve been able to. Sorting through all her emotions, she was overjoyed that her daughter had grown up so well, and in pain that she hadn’t been the one to mold a squalling infant into the accomplished young woman before her.

  “Do you read books? Do you go to the movies?” Now that she had learned a very little bit about Ashley, she wanted to know everything.

  Ashley looked amused as she swallowed her bite of carrot. “Of course I read books and go to the movies. I like books about the bonds between animals and humans, and I like horror movies. Between training and school, I’ve not had much time to do either, so...” She shrugged. “I don’t think college will be that much different.”

  Renia took another bite of cabbage roll, which tasted like food again. “What do you like to do with your friends? Do you have a boyfriend?”

  “Um...” Ashley looked a little uncomfortable. “Not really. The boyfriend, I mean. Can we talk about something else? I’d really like to know about your family.”

  She didn’t say my family. Renia wasn’t Ashley’s family. She was the random woman who had given birth to her and was now grasping for any piece of information about her daughter she could get. But this meeting was for Ashley. “What would you like to know?” Renia asked, as brightly as possible.

  “If they don’t mind, I’d like to meet your brother and sister sometime. Both my parents were an only child, so I’ve never had aunts or uncles.” She looked at Miles and Sarah. “I’m surprised they’re not here instead of...I mean, too.”

  “Their not being here is my fault,” Renia said. “This dinner was originally going to be just the three of us, but I changed my mind.”

  A wave of awkwardness rolled over the table as Renia’s mother and daughter realized Miles and Sarah were here for emotional protection. “I’m sure they’d be happy to meet you. Maybe the next time you come to Chicago.” I hope you’ll come back to Chicago, was
what she meant, hoping she didn’t come off as desperate. “Tilly is a chef, and Karl is a lawyer.”

  “He’s the city’s inspector general,” her mother said with the pride she always reserved for her eldest son.

  “You had another brother?”

  “Leon.” Renia answered so her mom didn’t have to. “He was between me and Karl. He was my favorite brother, always getting into some scrape or another. His dream was to be a Blackhawk and the heroic goalie who saved the Hawks and helped them win the Stanley Cup.”

  Her mom shook her head and looked at Ashley with a sad smile. “He was pudgy, fearless and determined.”

  “What about my great-grandparents? And my grandfather?”

  “Do you want the short version or the long version?” her mother asked.

  “I don’t know anything about where I come from.”

  “Prepare for the great history of Poles in the U.S.,” Renia said under her breath. Her mother ignored her, but the corners of Ashley’s lips curled up in a smile.

  Before she started into the family history, her mother folded her arms on the table in reverence. But she didn’t scoot back from the table, so Ashley was only going to get the short version. “Your great-grandmother, my mother-in-law, started Healthy Food in the sixties. Your great-grandfather immigrated to Chicago from Poland after World War II and worked in the yards.”

  “The stockyards,” Renia clarified for Ashley and Sarah.

  “Like the stockyards in The Jungle?” Ashley asked. “We read that book last year in school.”

  “Yes, and they lived in Back of the Yards, a neighborhood your great-grandmother didn’t like. She got him a job with the railroad and they moved to Archer Heights. When my husband was old enough to go to school, Pawel—your great-grandfather, not my husband—left the railroad and they started Healthy Food.”

  “That sounds more interesting than the history of the Brislenns,” Sarah said.