The First Move Read online

  Because you invited me and insisted I come? He wasn’t stupid enough to point that out, and was smart enough to know when retreat was the best long-term strategy. He had learned something useful in his time in the army. “I’ll leave, because I want tomorrow to go well for you.” No matter how badly he wanted to stay and calm Rey down, he still had a teen daughter at home. She was probably going to note how long it took him to drive home and use that information as ammunition when they had the next curfew argument. “But promise you’re not going to keep yourself up tonight with regret, or think I just mentioned marriage because I wanted to distract you.”

  “Now I’ll be up all night thinking about how I got myself involved with a nut who thinks about marriage after a month.”

  Her left cheek lifted and the corner of her eye crinkled— Miles figured she couldn’t be too pissed.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  RENIA FIDGETED THE entire drive from Palmer Square to Archer Heights—she couldn’t stop herself. Some part of her had to be moving. If she stopped tapping her fingernails on the car door, the nervous energy traveled down her body and made her foot tap. When she tucked her feet under the car seat so they wouldn’t budge she started chewing on her bottom lip. Miles put his hand on her thigh, but the reassuring touch only became another surface for her finger to tap on.

  “It will be fine,” he said as he grasped her hand tightly in his.

  Suddenly she had an itchy back.

  “Dad, if you have to tell someone ‘it will be fine,’ you don’t think it will be,” Sarah said from the backseat.

  “What could go wrong?” he asked.

  “She could hate me.” The itch moved from her back to her butt and down her thigh.

  “Well,” he said with a long sigh, “as long as one of us is thinking positively.”

  Great. He was exasperated and he didn’t even know that she hadn’t told her mother she was bringing them over for dinner.

  “I’m neutral on this whole thing,” Sarah said.

  “Sarah,” Miles said, “that wasn’t helpful.”

  “I don’t even know why I’m here,” she murmured just quietly enough she could pretend Renia couldn’t hear her, but not quietly enough that Renia didn’t catch every word.

  Miles also heard it. “You’re here because Rey invited you. Plus, Mrs. Milek is considered one of the best Polish cooks in the city. After a steady diet of fish sticks, canned green beans and takeout, I would think you’d be looking forward to a good, home-cooked meal.”

  “This entire night is going to be awkward.”

  Renia slapped her hands on her knees to keep them from bouncing. Then she had to shove her hands between her thighs so she didn’t tap her fingers on her knees.

  “Yes, thank you, Sarah, for stating the obvious for Rey. Unless you have something positive to say, you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of the car ride.”

  Her knees started knocking together, her thighs making this weird slapping noise of flesh against flesh under her skirt.

  “Rey,” Miles yelled as he turned onto her mother’s street, “for God’s sake, just whistle or hum or something. Your nerves are going to drive us all so crazy we won’t be able to eat.”

  When they pulled into her mother’s driveway, the dead had more life in their cells than Renia’s body.

  “Nice job, Dad. That was really positive. Let me try to follow your example.”

  Miles’s head banged when it hit the steering wheel. What was he so on edge about? She was the one meeting the daughter she relinquished.

  “Rey,” Sarah said with enough innocence that Renia was prepared for a demon to escape her mouth, “if Ashley doesn’t like you, I do. She may be your daughter, but I live in the same state and you’d see me more often anyway.”

  Renia’s shoulders dropped away from her ears and the mood in the car lifted just enough so they would be able to open the doors. “Thank you, Sarah.”

  “I knew there was a reason Cathy and I didn’t give you to the gypsies,” Miles said as he was getting out of the car.

  Renia froze, half in the car and half out of it. Slamming the car door shut on her hand would be an improvement to how she felt right now.

  Wisely, Sarah kept her mouth shut.

  “Oh, Rey. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think before I said it.”

  “Well—” she squared her shoulders and brightened her voice “—we might as well be upfront about the whole thing. If Aunt Maria hadn’t been around, I probably would have handed my daughter over to the gypsies.” Without another word Renia walked to the front door, Miles and Sarah trailing behind.

  When the trio walked into the house, Ashley was sitting on Renia’s mother’s couch, so beautiful and real that only the pang in Renia’s heart made her certain this wasn’t a dream.

  She swallowed, but the lump in her throat wouldn’t go away. Wiping tears from her eyes only seemed to make room for more, all blurring her vision and preventing her from really seeing her daughter. In desperation, she stopped wiping the tears with her finger and started using the palm of her hand.

  Miles nudged her from behind. “Go talk to her,” he said softly.

  Renia wobbled a bit as she walked up to the beautiful young woman and held out her hands for an embrace. Or a handshake. She wasn’t sure and, by the flicker in Ashley’s eyes, her daughter wasn’t sure what the appropriate greeting was, either. After several awkward seconds, Renia dropped her hands to her side. Then she wiped her eyes again. Of course the girl didn’t want to touch her; she was a snotty, teary mess.

  “You’re even more lovely than I imagined. I’m...” How to put into words the emotions that were filling her body and coming out in tears? “I’m so incredibly happy to meet you. And that you gave me another chance.”

  A strong hand rested on her shoulder. “Ashley,” Miles said from behind her, “I’m Miles. Rey has been beside herself to meet you.” He stuck out his hand and Ashley shook it.

  Miles got to touch her daughter before she did. Were her hands soft, or did she have some hobby or job that gave her callouses? Did she have a strong handshake? Had she chewed her nails as a child, like Renia had?

  “And still by the door is my daughter, Sarah.”

  “Are you—” Ashley stilled and glanced sideways at Sarah “—are you married?”

  “No,” Renia said. She tried to laugh, but the noise came as a sob. “Miles is...” The words were stuck in her throat behind all the joy and sadness of meeting Ashley. Miles put his arm around her and pulled her tight to him, but she didn’t rest her head on his shoulder. She didn’t want to make any movement that might take Ashley out of her line of sight.

  “I’m her boyfriend. Rey was about to turn me down for a date when you called. Sarah is my daughter from my first marriage.”

  For all his sharpness and nerves in the car, Miles’s steady presence kept her upright now. She’d been smart to bring him along.

  “Oh.”

  They stood in silence, the old grandfather clock ticking away the seconds as Renia stared at her daughter. And as her mother stared at her granddaughter.

  “Can I, um, hug you?” Ashley asked.

  Renia’s heart broke. “I would love that more than anything in the world.” She slipped away from Miles’s arm and wrapped her arms around her daughter. They were the same height and Renia was able to rest her head on her daughter’s shoulder.

  Dove. She smells like Dove soap, she thought, tucking that piece o
f knowledge away. When dinner was over and Miles was driving her back to the North Side, Renia would pull that scent out and relive this moment. She would remember how Ashley’s hair tickled her neck and the sound of her daughter’s soft crying in her ear. If Ashley wanted nothing more to do with her, never spoke to her again, she would at least have those sensations to cling to.

  Ashley pulled away first. Renia tried to keep contact with her daughter until the very last moment when her fingertips slid off Ashley’s back.

  “Well,” her mom said from the doorway to the kitchen, “I wasn’t expecting so many people for dinner, but it seems good Miles and Sarah came. I made plenty of food. And it’s nice to meet you, finally.”

  “Thank you for letting us invade a family moment. Perhaps,” Miles said, “we could sit in the living room for a bit before we eat?”

  “Of course. Of course. Let me get something to munch on, and some drinks. Ashley dear, what would you like to drink?”

  Ashley sat on the couch and Renia collapsed beside her, the cushions bouncing under her weight. Not close enough to be able to touch her daughter, but close enough she could feel her presence and know she was there.

  “Um, a glass of water for me, please.”

  “Renuśka?”

  “Coffee.” She desperately needed something warm to hold on to.

  “Sarah,” Miles said, “let’s go help Mrs. Milek get the drinks.”

  The sounds of the fridge opening and glasses clinking on the counter drowned out the ticking of the clock. How do you talk to your daughter for the first time in eighteen years? Renia wanted to know everything about her, but how do you say, “Tell me everything about yourself,” to your daughter when you should already know everything, because she’s your daughter?

  “Um, you just graduated from high school?”

  Ashley gave several quick nods, but didn’t say anything. That was fine. Renia had left Ashley with the hard work of finding her birth mother; she could carry this conversation on her back to the moon if she needed to.

  “And what are you doing after high school?”

  “College. Ohio State. We start in the middle of September.”

  College was good. People who go to college do well in life. Ashley had made better decisions than Renia had.

  “The Stahls, are they, are they good parents?” Did I make the right decision giving you away?

  At the mention of her parents, Ashley relaxed against the back of the couch. “They are. Mom isn’t able to have children. Without me, they wouldn’t have had any.”

  Renia felt a renewed pang in her heart at her daughter’s words. Relinquishing her daughter had given a family a child, which felt noble and good. But another part of her broke because Ashley had a woman she called Mom, a woman who wasn’t Renia.

  The meeting was harder than she’d ever imagined it would be, but Ashley seemed to keep her composure. Her daughter had some tears, but she didn’t seem to be breaking down inside like Renia was. The Stahls had raised her to be a strong, beautiful woman.

  “What would you like to call me?”

  “Miles calls you Rey.”

  “It’s what I was called in high school. He knew me then, before I moved to Cincinnati and had you.”

  “How old were you? My parents know, but they don’t really talk about you. It makes Mom uncomfortable.”

  It made Renia uncomfortable, too, but her daughter was more important than any anxiety she felt admitting to her shameful past. “Sixteen. I was sixteen years old when I had you.” How to explain to Ashley why she gave her up? “My aunt Maria offered me one chance to keep you.” And only that one chance. After the adopting parents had been found and the contract signed, Aunt Maria had never let the option of keeping Ashley gain traction again. “I knew you would have a better life with another family. At sixteen, I didn’t have anything to give a child.”

  Do you have a better life? The question hung, unasked, in the air. Did I make the right choice for you? Are you happy? A thousand questions clogged the air, making it hard for Renia to breath. Questions she couldn’t ask because Ashley wasn’t here to reassure a self-doubting birth mother she didn’t know; she was here to learn about and meet her family. Renia could keep her questions to herself, like she’d kept the secret of Ashley to herself all those years.

  “And my father?”

  “Vince. He’s dead.” The words came out haltingly, but she said them, so Ashley would know. “He died of alcohol poisoning when he was twenty. Getting pregnant straightened me out, but it didn’t help him any. I... I don’t know if his mother would want to meet you. She, uh, never seemed to believe he was the father.”

  You’re a slut of a girl and your father would be ashamed of your existence. My son would never have anything to do with you. Vince’s mother’s accusations had been the final push for her mother to send her to Cincinnati. But, however Renia felt about Vince, he was Ashley’s birth father and if she wanted to know about him... There might still be some pictures of him in the house. Mom would know.

  “What was he like?”

  Renia sighed. She would be honest through the pain. She could give Ashley that much. “You need to know that we weren’t Romeo and Juliet or anything. I was...”

  Voices came into the living room from the kitchen. Her mother muttering, then Miles, louder. “Let them have a little time alone.”

  “She’s my granddaughter. My only granddaughter.”

  “And you met her yesterday. And she was here before Rey and I got here. You’ve had some time alone with her.”

  “I don’t see...”

  “Ten minutes. Give them ten minutes while you finish preparing dinner.”

  A cabinet door slammed and Renia knew her mother had agreed, reluctantly. Miles came into the living room, pressed a cup of hot, milky coffee into her hand and set Ashley’s water on the table. “Make those ten minutes last,” he said, pressing a kiss on her cheek.

  Renia looked at her daughter, whose lips had lifted in an amused smile. It was Ashley’s father’s smile, the one all the girls in high school had thought made him look so knowing and exciting, even in his altar boy robes. Ashley even had the same dimple, only her smile was not as mocking as Vince’s. Perhaps the influence of the Stahls?

  Renia searched her daughter’s face for clues to her personality. Her eyes were wide-set and hidden behind thick lashes, but she had an open, honest face. Maybe Ashley was not the type of person who scorned others for amusement, but instead found the humor in everyday life.

  “Maybe we can meet again, on a school break or Thanksgiving, and we can have more than ten minutes.”

  Renia closed her eyes before she began to cry again. “I would love that.”

  “What were you saying about my father?”

  “Right. My dad died when I was twelve. In a car wreck, with my closest brother and grandfather. They were driving home from my brother Leon’s hockey game. My mom, she uh...” Renia went silent to listen for the sound of her mother eavesdropping, but all she could hear was Sarah talking about learning photography. “She wasn’t available like she is now. I mean, she was here, but not here.” She searched for the words that could express how lonely and afraid she’d felt. How much she’d wanted her family back, or her mother to come out of the bedroom, and how cheaply she’d priced her own affection. “I was looking for attention and Vince gave it to me.”

  Did Ashley have romantic ideas about her father? Renia took a deep drink of her coffee and
let the liquid burn down her throat without waiting for it to cool. She needed to focus on some physical sensation, to take her mind away from what she was going to tell a girl about her father. And her mother.

  “I was nothing to him and he was only a little more than nothing to me. In front of adults, Vince was the altar boy in crisp white robes. The perfect student with dreams of saving the world.” His mocking smile, the one that had attracted her to him in the first place, had often been aimed at adults as they sang his praises. “The kids knew better. He could alternate between mean or charming in an instant and he used his powers to get things. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. I was just another willing body for him.”

  She’d been more than willing. Willing implied she’d said yes when he asked, but Vince hadn’t even had to ask. Renia had traded away her virginity for a six-pack of Ham’s, and she probably would’ve settled for less.

  The teenager she’d been felt more distant now, when faced with her daughter, than she had any other time in the past eighteen years. Renia couldn’t believe she and Vince had been so selfish and careless—and yet created such a beautiful child. Such magic didn’t happen in real life.

  “Did he ever ask about me?” Ashley’s question brought Renia out of her memories and back to reality.

  “You’d have to ask my mom, but I doubt it.” Renia shook her head. “He agreed with his mother, that you weren’t his. I...” She took a deep breath and lowered her voice before continuing. “He wasn’t the only boy I had sex with. He was right about that. I was never exclusive to him and he was never exclusive to me. But the timing was perfect. I hadn’t slept with anyone else for a month before I got pregnant.”